Chris LOVES to eat.
CHRIS: MMmmm, mmm. UMMMMMM!
ME: What is that? Pumpkin cheesecake?
CHRIS: I just want it to live in me.
I treated myself to a bulk shipment of plain white...
And they’ve shipped. And I am happy. And I love $9 shoes. And I love $9 shoes in bulk.
I don't respond to sports texts.
D: Can we kick it... when are you home?
ME: Thanksgiving... that's when I'll be home.
D: I'm in Lincoln now. I'll be here for Thxgiving.
ME: How's Lincoln. Where's Lincoln?!
D: It's nice, it's North of Rocklin.
D: Hey! Go Giants, right?!?
ME: Now you lost me.
In a society, where little boys are exposed to grubby, cursing, dirty,...– Bishop Long (He blames the “women’s liberation” movement… who doesn’t?)
If McDonald’s sold hot dogs could you order a McWeiner with a straight...– Text from Dustin… proving that even an ex-boyfriend from 2004 remembers my dietary demands. And let’s be honest… the only thing that really changes about me is my hair.
Hello dinner. →
Email from my Mama regarding the sexual harassment...
“It appears the 44 year old lush woman is going to try and say Todd started this whole thing. Isn’t it ironic, the virgin being tagged for sexual harassment.” Needless to say, the hearing has been postponed to allow Todd to get himself a real attorney. This is what my mom said about her attempted impersonation… “…I did get the enjoyment out of the ...
Phone calls are like presents... it's always a...
ME: Chris Cavell's office...
WOMAN: Hi, this is Brandy calling for a pre-interview...
WOMAN: Is Chris there?
ME: One moment, let me find him.
ME: Sorry, do you have Brandy for the pre or are you calling to schedule one?
WOMAN: No, I AM Brandy.
ME: OH HEY BRANDY!
I’m taking your mom to my sexual harassment hearing tomorrow… I...– Todd, explaining how another obese woman in her 40’s has been pestering him for sex on a regular basis in the (government) office he works in.
Wig shopping at the seasonal Halloween shop.
CASHIER: Debit or credit?
CASHIER: Can I see your ID?
CASHIER: Glory, that's a nice name.
CASHIER: Is that your real name.
ME: Yep. Real name.
CASHIER: Did you like your name growing up.
ME: Actually, I went by my middle name growing up.
CASHIER: Yeah, me too.
ME: What's your name?
ME: You win.
Officially Diane Sawyer Week (if you know what I...
Home at 3 AM Up watching cartoons at 7:45 AM Out the door (a hot mess) by 10:15 AM Back for a bath at 4 PM Home again at 11:40 PM to finish laundry.
…let’s say you like to make jokes about Mexican-Americans…– Woman leading the sexual harassment meeting.
What I've learned in the annual sexual harassment...
1. No more penis gifts. 2. Don’t give people “elevator eyes” 3. If you both like to kiss, it’s okay. 4. Don’t get your “rocks off” at work. 5. Republicans aren’t safe. 6. No more porn after topical meeting. 7. Don’t ask for sex outright. 8. “Just Horseplay” isn’t a viable excuse. 9. Need quick cash? Bend over in a...
Todd asked the other night if he could put my name...
“As our community comes closer everyday to casting their ballots, we generally hear a lot about people who are running for Sherrif, Assembly, Senate, and Governor, but many people don’t get the opportunity to learn about who is running for our local school boards. My friend, Todd White, is a candidate for the El Dorado Union High School District Board of Trustees. Todd and I have...
Pretty soon we'll know whether Todd is having an...
Todd White, 23, said EDUHSD is confronting three major issues in the coming years. “A reduction in budget by $3-5 million a year due to economics and reduced state revenues, how to maintain a high quality education despite the reductions, and how to use all site facilities to potential. In addition, since Superintendent Sherry Smith just received her last 4 percent raise, she’ll...
Rent is too damn high. →
All I want to do is sit in my room with the...
Judging by my face today...
I totally have an allergy to “tree nuts.” Well cashew, it was nice knowing you.
If there's one thing I need more of on Monday it's...
Chris Cucci has a way of spoiling me on Mondays.
I’m convinced you changed your name and are running from some arranged...– (nice try Steve, but I’ll never tell…)
For Christmas I want a pony.
Called my Mama and left her a message to tell her I need want a new car. Went to Mercedes and picked out a new one. Came home and called my Mama again to tell her what I did. Made a deal with my Mama to start a Roth IRA Monday morning in trade for new car in April and never to get a lecture about buying things outside my means again. (Adult success)
I ran to stage to get free toning shoes. Forgot...